Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
