I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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