this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
