Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
