ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize