Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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