That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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