Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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