I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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