does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
