Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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