On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Randomize
