I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
