doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize