the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
