Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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