D3 body, D1 cock
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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