Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
