I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
