I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
