phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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