census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
