I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
