i barfeds in our rink
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
