ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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