he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
