it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
