The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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