i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
