I am puke
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
