This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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