6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
