I got chris browned last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
