I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
