The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
