when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
