I need help removing her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
