Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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