you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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