You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize