3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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