dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
