He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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