Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Panties = found
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