I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize