dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
please don't ironically join a cult
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