just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
