you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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