mondays should just be called national damage control day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
