Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
