I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
