my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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