Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
