There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
