I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize