You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
