Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
