was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
