Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You may now shotgun with the bride
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize