I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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