the condom got lost in my hair
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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