this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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