Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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