Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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