Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
